This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
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Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
reduce, reuse, recycle
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
estão todos miauvindo?
Black Friday “markdowns” like
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?