Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
You Might Also Like
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
RT if you could go either way.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”