I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
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Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
…żyje?
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.