“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
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Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”