Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
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The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.