I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
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Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I don’t get marriage
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do