Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
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Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Harsh but fair
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Pringles
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering