When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
You Might Also Like
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
In space, no one can hear…
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Happy Caturday!
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.