My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
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[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
all that yoga finally paid off
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.