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Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I can also cook 😂
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Canada has crack?
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Is fake venison called venisn’t
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy