I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
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Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬