My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
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the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
dude it’s called proctologist
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I think I’m having a stroke
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room