The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
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I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
This meeting could have been a cake
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams