Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
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New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Worst bar ever.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?