{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
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Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
The Others (2001)
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms