People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
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“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.