Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
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Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.