Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
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In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Social distancing in Australia:
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.