*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
You Might Also Like
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
pelicons
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single