I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
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[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex