called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
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me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.