[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
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[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
#winning
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.