Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
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Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
A dad and his duck
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.