I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
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GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
“our sushi is very fresh”
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”