“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
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(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
brian had himself a morning…
Beware…..
eating my hot dog hamburger style
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”