I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
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[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.