cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
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Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”