Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
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Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”