SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
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judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money