Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
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“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.