Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
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If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster