Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
You Might Also Like
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Buying a well is money well spent.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Don’t we all.