My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
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Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
nature’s most graceful animal
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!