Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
You Might Also Like
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Breaking news:
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I saw nothing
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT