Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
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me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Looking at you, Jesus.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy