Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
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I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.