When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
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*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.