[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
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#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
christening a ship with an overripe banana
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
I am, perchance
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I can also cook 😂
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you