Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
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wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what