A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
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I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
podcasts
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond