[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
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No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Ion see the issue
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning