I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
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Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
*hires sky writer*
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Go girl power!