me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
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Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile