I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
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Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
She was rare, like a goth jogging
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.