“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
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ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna