People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
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if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”