Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
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Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.