I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
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The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
How high do the levels go?
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.