My body is a temple
for potatoes.
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Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes