Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
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7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY